Dear Match.com,
Seeing that I'm nearing the end of my three month promotional period I just wanted to write in and thank you so much for all you have given me over the past three months. First there was Stew, a nice, kind of on the chubby side, sales guy. Stew was the portrait of a nice guy, polite, clean cut, made some good conversation (afterall he was in sales). So after a first date over some wine and a phone conversation we went bowling. Stew bowled a 40. Now, I hate to be this way but...a 40? I mean my nieces bowl better then that and they are 4. There is no way I could date someone for the long haul that bowls a 40, that is just embarrassing.
Little did I know that Stew was probably the best of the bunch, but he was my first date you found for me and I was sure that the real spark you promise in your sweet as honey, kissing in the rain, commercials was out there for me too, so I persisted.
For the sake of time I will give you the quick rundown. There was the construction worker who admitted to a pretty big drug problem in his recent past (out!), the boring pastry chef who now that I think of it seemed pretty gay (no thanks dough boy), the want to be motorcycle guy who I found out on the date didn't even own a motorcycle even though he bragged about the feel of the open road in his emails (see ya!), the weekend paint baller who lived with two lesbians and talked about them constantly (ummm no.)
At a certain point they just start to blur together. Eventually I just started skipping dates and making up excuses. I'd rather stay home and clip my toenails then spend my time with your rag tag bunch Match.com.
The final straw with you had to be my most recent date. This guy literally took away my want to be in a relationship. Nice guy, single dad a total bore. You work in telecom which by definition is not very interesting - why in the world do you think I want to listen to you talk about it for 45 minutes? I love wine flights, mostly when they are $15 for four half glasses, a hell of a deal at one of my favorite spots. In this case, the worst idea ever because the process is not speedy which just prolonged the imprisonment. I kept looking longingly at the waiter, "Like hurry it up with the next bottle, for the love of God!!" What a travesty.
The saddest thing, is the guy somehow thought this date went well because now, he is semi-stalking me. I mean if I haven't emailed you or returned your numerous calls you would think the guy would get the hint - obviously not. Are you going to pay to change my number Match.com? Hmmmm?
So to wrap this up, if you could please be so kind to possibly post the following rules on your site in big bold print that would really help out us well adjusted, relatively attractive, single girls....
1. Don't talk about your past relationships on a date. 9 out of the 10 guys I went out with did this. I'm not Dear Abby - save your problems for your mommy.
2. Don't lie in your profile about things you don't actually do / have / want. The truth comes out pretty quick - I'm talking to you want to be motorcycle guy
3. Don't go in for the kiss when the date has been a total bust, if you can't tell that I don't want to kiss you, you aren't reading the signs.
4. After our date if I ignore your numerous follow up emails, don't email again and even worse don't call numerous times and leave messages which are kind of mean thinking I'm going to call you back. I won't.....ever.
I leave you with a wish for happy dating to your numerous members out there and remember, for those you cast off they are someone's special someone and yours is out there too - crossing my fingers and no I will not be renewing my subscription.
Sincerely,
What a waste of $40
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